"Sometimes we build walls around ourselves, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."
Women are very interesting creatures. We are so complicated that not even we understand ourselves. I would have to agree with every person (typically a guy) that says women are crazy because we are! We are not all horrible though.. we just have a completely different mind set then a guy. It consists of over analyzing, predicting, and planning. I don't know about you but I know that I'm just that. I even get head aches about it haha. But to give us some credit, we can't always control our emotions and our planning/ over analyzing only comes from wishing that one day our dreams will come true. Maybe that second/comment/move could change everything. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish my mind was more like a man, simple.
I have mentioned before how hard it is for me to trust anyone to care for me. I would like to say that I'm being over dramatic or saying something that I don't really believe in but it's the truth. I believe that not one person is like the other, so to judge someone on others actions is wrong. Everyone deserves a clean slate. But how am I suppose to do that when the result is always the same. This sounds like a dating complaint blog but to be honest it has to do with me. I'm tired of feeling abandoned, I'm tired of feeling heart broken and I'm tired of wondering if there really is anyone out there that cares enough to break down my wall. I wish I knew what to say to help me vent or feel better because this constant tightness in my chest is becoming unbearable. I wish for one day I could feel how it was like to have my parents and brothers again. I miss the feeling of having them in my life. I can't remember the last time I felt like I was home. Even when I'm with them I feel distant. It's been too long that we have been apart. My heart has been broken too much to allow them back in even though it's what I crave the most. I physically can't. I miss having a man in my life who honestly cares. Well, to be honest now that I think about it I don't think I have ever had one. It's sad to admit but it's the truth. I'm blinded by my feelings to truly understand what's really happening. I prefer to be alone and single because I know I can trust myself.
I have hopes and dreams like any girl/woman out there. I wish that one day my parents would understand who I am and I dream everyday of finding that person who will always love me and not abandon me. I wait for this day to come and wake up every morning hoping that this is the day. I'm happy and satisfied with being alone and independent. It's my comfort zone and it's safe. I revert to this every time I feel vulnerable because I'm scared. I'm scared of being proven right. But who wants to live a life alone even though it's safe? I don't. I'm scared and I know that there is a lot more heart breaking in my future but I won't give up. With my family and my personal life I know things can only get better. I just REALLY hope I'm right about that. If not, I'm getting a dog and adopting a child LOL.
"Sometimes we build walls around ourselves, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."
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