It's on my mind, so I write it down.

Communication. It's a word that can solve/cause so many problems. Today was one of the times it caused a problem.
I'm a single 23 year old girl. I live alone and am finally finishing up school. I have 3 jobs, 2 best friends, 1 day off a week (if I'm lucky) and 0 boys. My favorite color is plum purple and at the moment I'm in love with the Hunger Games books, Adele, and soaking my feet. I have been teaching ballet for 9 years and am working on getting an assistant director job at a studio before even getting my degree. I'll also be buying my own car in about 3 months. Things are looking pretty good at the moment and I'm still working on constantly improving myself and my life. I'm pretty content with who I am and I know what I want to achieve and gain from my life. These are all things that I can control, and since I can, I am.

I will not take no for an answer. There are plenty of bad days but they will never tear me down to the point of quitting. However, they might just make me cry and complain a lot for a day. But then I remember that life can change and sitting here crying isn't what makes that happen. Throughout my life I have learned from my family and myself to never think that just because you have hit rock bottom that you have no hope. It sucks when you're there but if you never start climbing then you'll never get out of your hole no matter how much you cry. Life is coming together like I thought it would. This past New Year I knew for some reason that this year will change a lot for me. It has been horribly hard but it has pushed me to where I am. I some times think that I have no choice but to be where I am. Cause honestly if I didn't try to fix things then I would be homeless and starving and depressed. And I'm not ok with that. Like I said before, I can control what happens to my life. BUT I can't control what others do to it.

I really am getting tired of constantly working on not feeling sad. I'm not an unhappy person, I just wish that certain aspects of my life where more normal. My parents have no idea who I am. If you asked them about me they could only tell you my age, name, and birthday. They could probably tell you that I'm also stubborn, pretty, and that I love brigadeiro. But that's it. I feel so separated from them it's insane. To be honest I don't even know where to start to fix this. They have this idea and opinion of me that is 100% wrong but they don't even try to turn that around. the problem is... communication. They don't ever talk to me. I some times go weeks with out talking to them. I call but they don't answer and when they do there is nothing to say. It's awkward. My mom tries. She has talked to me on facebook and has tried to ask questions, but to be honest it's really hard for me to talk to her. When I hear her voice I think about everything she has done to me and close up right away. My dad doesn't call unless he needs to yell at me. And all both of them care about is if I'm going to church and when I'm going to graduate. They are my birth parents and help me a lot financially but that's it. I miss my mom and dad with all of my heart and there is not one time that I think of them and not cry.

I wish that they try as hard as I do to understand them. They think I don't but I really do and continue to try to. I wish they would stop judging me and pointing fingers at me without even talking to me. I really wish they would realize how much they hurt me. I just wish their minds where different. I don't wish they were different people, I just wish they understood things differently. Every girl wishes to meet the man of their dreams and one day start their own beautiful family. They continue the love they have with their family to their new little one. I wish for that, not to add on to the love but to actually have it. I feel so alone in the family sense that in my mind the only way to solve that problem is to create my own. BUT that is something that I cannot control and am no where near to. I'm lucky to at least have my relatives and friends. If not for them I would be completely alone. Loneliness. apart from heart break, is one of the worst pains. You my be surrounded by people and yet be completely alone. I knew that one day that my mom told me that my dad got that job in Sao Paulo that my life, especially my family life, would never be the same. And it hasn't.